Q. Dear Professor Crazy: Professor Crazy, a friend told me that the Wild West was alive and well, and living in Poland! What do you reckon she meant by that? She said the police were largely ineffective, and that the people often took matters into their own hands when it came to dealing out justice. What would the punishment be for, say, shoplifting in Poland?--Abercrombie & (Just "Friends") Fitch, London, England
A.: The law of the Wild West and of the Old Testament is, indeed, alive and well in beautiful, picturesque Poland! The Old Testament tells us: "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,"--this has been changed slightly in Poland, to: "An eye for an eye, steal a sweatshirt, we take all of your clothes and leave you naked in the streets!" Yes, in an homage to the famous Clint Eastwood movie, "The Good, The Bad, And The Naked," justice in Poland was dealt out when a Polish youth was caught shoplifting a sweatshirt and the nineteen-year-old was stripped and dumped naked in the center of the city of Szczecin with the words "I am a thief," written on his back, local police reported.
The youth refused to cooperate with the police, and since there was no official complaint from any supermarket they couldn't arrest him for anything. What is worse--jail time or public humiliation?--The youth obviously, judging from his silence to the Questions posed by the police, didn't want to try to find out which would be the worse of the two punishments by claiming responsibility for the theft!
Q. Dear Professor Crazy: The French farmers seem to be successful at combining whine with their cheese, Professor Crazy, proving that the squeaky wheel of cheese does get the proverbial grease--in this case, meaning government money! Why is it that the French government decided to help promote Roquefort cheese, in particular? Why not, instead, promote another sort of cheese, say, perhaps Swiss or American?--H.R. Puffenstuff, New Bedsford, Pennsylvania
A.: One phrase suffices to explain it all, Mr. Puffenstuff--"The Power of Cheese!" Yes, unbeknownst to many, cheeses in general, and Roquefort types in particular, exude an immense--dare I say, a magical--influence on people's minds, causing even buearocratic tight-wads to crack open their Government's Piggy Banks!
Actually, the reason why the French government is agreeing to promote Roquefort cheese is to help producers hit by U.S. sanctions in a transatlantic trade dispute over hormone-treated beef. Roquefort cheese was among various European products hit with punitive 100% duties in 1999, and the French farmers' confederation wants compensation for their monetary woes brought on by the high duties. Is the power of Roquefort cheese strong enough to compensate them the 30 million francs ($4.17 million) they're demanding? Until further info on this becomes available, a fond fondue to you all!
Q. Professor Crazy: Is it true that an exploding potato caused a performance of the ballet Swan Lake to be cancelled? How could such a thing have happened, if so? Was the performance strictly a B.Y.O.S.C. (Bring Your Own Sour Cream) one, or was plenty of that on hand, free with the purchase of the ticket?--I've heard of a potato bar but this is ridiculous!--Captain O.J. Pringle, South Hampton, England
A.: If I had a nickel for every time I've been Asked that Question, I'd have--a nickel! A performance of Swan Lake was not exactly cancelled due to the aforementioned exploding 'tato, but it was postponed for twenty minutes, until firefighters could find the cause off the smoke that made a backstage fire alarm go off! There was a small kitchenette backstage and in a microwave, the firefighters found the remains of an exploded 'tato. A spokesman was quoted as saying: "No one has claimed ownership of the potato."--Hmmmm....I wonder why....Who would want to see Swan Lake when you can enjoy delicious exploded spuds? Alas, the audience was not invited to participate in the subsequent devouring of the said spud; so, your Question relating to the sour cream, or lack thereof, is moot!
Dear Professor Crazy: I've admired the golfer Tiger Woods for many years now, Professor Crazy. Is there any chance that I could play a round of golf with him one day? I think I could beat him. My handicap is +27. He's scared of playing me, I think--that's what it is--the restraining order was just a cover--he knows I'm better than he is, and he doesn't want to face it!--Philip Dingleberry, Mayberry, South Carolina
A. There actually is a way you can play golf with Tiger--but, not an entire round of golf--just one hole. Like everything, there is a small catch--it'll have to be in China, and it'll cost you $80,000! But, to make sure you get your money's worth, the price tag DOES include a membership at the Mission Hills golf club where the planned event on Nov. 11 will take place. Only four "lucky" people will get the chance to play each hole with him. Good luck; may all of your dreams come true!
Q. Dear Professor Crazy: There's a new terror at beaches this Summer, besides the sharks off the coast of Florida, Professor Crazy! A young bald eagle has been attacking beachgoers at Massachusetts's beaches this Summer, strafing kids and going after footballs tossed in the air. My Question is "Why? Why would a bald eagle be on the beaches of Massachusetts at all, and why would it be attacking people there?--PeeWee Reese, Cooperstown, Ohio
A.: It's a pleasure to hear from you, Mr. Reese! I've always loved your famous peanut butter cups! Anyway, in regards to your Question--the eagle had been injured in Kernersville, North Carolina, on May 17, then was nursed back to health at the Carolina Raptor Center near Charlotte, N.C., before it was released. New Hampshire Fish and Game Department spokesman Eric Aldrich said: "It obviously had picked up some bad habits since it was released" on July 25. Fear not, however, Mr. Reese--I'm glad to report that the "terror" is now officially over--the eagle was successfully captured and is now at Tufts University's wildlife facility in Grafton, Massachusetts, for evaluation!Ask Professor Crazy! Article Page Reviews Page Interview Page Contact Me
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